Hot or Cold Compress Warning

The Eldritch Health Reusable Hot or Cold Compress is designed to provide comforting cold or hot therapy in an effective reusable system. The benefit to you? Two products for the price of one!

The Eldritch Health Reusable Hot or Cold Compress remains flexible when frozen. We have no idea how this is scientifically possible. It probably isn’t. But it’s true. It remains flexible when frozen.

The compress can be used hot as well. The unearthly substance within doesn’t care about your petty temperatures.

Use cold therapy for fast relief of pain and swelling, bumps and bruises, headaches and insect bites and toothaches. It’s flexible even when frozen. Yes, we’re being repetitive. But it still amazes us-we don’t understand how that’s possible.

Use hot therapy for soothing relief of sore and stiff joints, muscles aches and pain, muscle tension and cramps. When heated it remains flexible as well. That’s less surprising, we suppose, but worth mentioning.

Also worth mentioning: when heated the compress will move slightly. “Undulate” is a more descriptive word. It will undulate and make progress toward your face, for some reason. You’ll have to readjust it periodically, moving it back to the problem spot, and keeping it away from your face.

Warnings

Keep it away from your face. Under no circumstances should you fall asleep while using the compress.

Individuals with history of circulatory issues should not use the compress before consulting a physician. Individuals with history of possession should contact a priest.

Do not apply excessive weight to compress by sitting or leaning on compress, as compress may burst or leak. If the otherworldly substance inside gets loose, we’re all so screwed. Please do not let this happen.

Even though all efforts to save humanity will be a lost cause if the contents escape the compress, we still recommend flushing eyes with water. Do this regardless of whether or not the substance came into contact with anyone’s eyes. It’s just something to do for a few minutes as you await the end of all things.

Instructions

Cold Therapy:
1. Cool compress in freezer for at least 1 hour.

2. Remove compress from freezer. Test compress temperature for comfort level, then apply to injured area.

3. Place in freezer for future cold therapy use.

Hot Therapy:
1. Place a hand on the compress, and recite the ancient invocation, rolling the Rs:

Dem yon sethoth
Kem son rethoth
K
or elion tenthoth

2. The compress will heat to an ideal temperature. The compress knows the correct temperature to heal whatever malady you wish to treat. Trust the compress. The compress knows. If the compress feels hot to the touch, too hot for contact with human skin, you are wrong. Do not second-guess the compress. The compress hates nothing more than fear. Do not show the compress your fear. The compress sees your fear and will destroy you. The compress sees all.

If used on children, monitor closely. Do not leave the compress with children unattended. Please, please, handle the compress with respect and reverence, and do not leave it alone with children. We’re begging you.

Price at Walmart: $2.98

Hot or Cold Compress Warning

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s